It is 1968. The Managing Partner of Frump, Bump & Wangdoodle is planning a new campaign for Heinz Pancakes in a Can.
[Drains a bottle of whisky.]
Here’s what we’ll do kiddo, are you taking this down? We’ll give ‘em the old Frumpy-Bumpy Special. See, we’ll ring up Chet in Media, and get a prime slot on The Happy Show. Whammo, 93% of the adult population, right there, turning on their TV to the one show on the one channel. Seeing our pancakes, cooked up by Happy himself. He’ll do anything for a shot and a broad. Chet’ll set it up. Brilliant. You sure you’re taking this down?
[Drains another bottle of whisky. Takes off shirt and throws it away.]
Then we ht ‘em with the press blitz. The paper in every town – the New York Times, the LA, uh, Times, the Big Square State Whatever. Beav throws it on their porch for breakfast, mom and pop unroll it, and double whammo – front page: YOU SHOULD BE EATING PANCAKES IN A CAN.
[Calls secretary. Demands six new shirts and case of whisky]
Still writing? Yeah. Nice, neat letters. Just like a woman. HA HA. Women can’t write. Except cheques. JUST ASK MY WIFE. HA HA HA. So then the radio kicks in. We’ll go big: both channels. Put a serial on: the Pancake Murders. No, wait, too grim. No one wants breakfast murder. EXCEPT MY WIFE. HA HA HA. Good laugh, kid. You’re now an Account director. Pancake… Puzzles. THE GRIDDLE RIDDLES. Perfect. Breakfast brainteasers. Loving it.
[Fires secretary for refusing sex. Changes shirt again.]
Don’t forget point of sale! There are three grocery store chains in this country, and I want a deal with all three of them! Housewives from here to Utah – LOTS OF WIVES THERE, GEDDIT? HA HA – good laugh, you’re now the Head of Accounts. They walk in, pancaked the night before, pancaked in the morning, pancaked over the breakfast, and what do they see? A goddammit pyramid of canned pancakes. I want ziggurats. I want King Tut to walk down the aisle and be jealous that his Taj Mahoohah isn’t half that size. What do you mean that wasn’t King Tut? Go work in the postroom.
Goddammit, this shirt is disgusting. Where's my secretary?!
It is 2018. The Chief Innovation Guru of FBW is planning a new campaign for Heinz NanoCakes.
[Does some insider trading]
Here’s what we’ll do, pleb, are you recording this? Good, my Ted talk ain’t going to dictate itself. We’ll hit them with the ol’ FBW QUANTUM FRAGMENTATION MODEL. The client will love it, they always do. We’ll start with Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, Snapchat, Reddit and Twitter. And Gab. Racists love pancakes. Don’t record that. That’ll take 18,094 different media formats, with an average size of 6 square pixels. When you combine any 673, you get a picture of the product. Neuroscience Chet says we can only hold one neuron of information at a time, so we spray those neurons everywhere, in algormithically generated groups. We call PHASED INTRAPLATFORM SUBLIMINAL SEGMENTATION – like PISS. Because we’re PISSING the campaign everywhere, get it? Think that’s funny? Great. You’re now the Head of Social.
[Snorts entire Tesla]
At the same time, we need a multi-channel VOD blitz. There are 578,008 on-demand channels, and sixteen more coming. So we’ll put micro-teasers (1 nano-second or less) on each. The media budget will cover two per calendar month, which adds up to… 18 billion impressions. Client love too. That’s 2 impressions for everyone on earth – or 18 for everyone that matters HA HA. Don’t record that. But keep laughing, kid, here, have some options.
[Sends photo of his junk to the solitary female member of staff]
We need some experiential. Ok. Ok. There’s this guy I know from the sex club. It is the new big thing. Did you know you currently see 60 advertisements/second when walking down the street? That’s why we’re moving into smell – custom olfactory redirection. This guy, it is a start-up. You sniff one thing, but is really another. So let’s replace,… uh… that weird sulphur stink you get in the tubes with pancakes. BINGPOT. PR-able as well, so find one of those sock puppets to write something. We can do it for 6 minutes next February, if the guy’s technology works. We don’t need to pay him, I’ll buy half his company. Done. Think that’s awesome? It is. Take some more options.
[Fires solitary female member of staff]
TEASE! Where was I? We’re talking to housewives. Can I say that? Don’t record that. Uh, housepeople. No, wait, apartmentpeople. Wait, can I say apartment? Can I say people? God damn, I hate 2018. Can I talk about God? I should if I’m running in 2020. Don’t record that either. My investment club buddy at YouTube says at least .00006% of the demographic have prompted watching/awareness/vague acknowledgement of this ‘SLAPWEASEL KOMEDY CREW’ channel. WE NEED THEM. GIVE THEM EVERYTHING. Ask them if they want a start-up. BEG them to get a can of our product in the background of one of their videos. That’d be a HUGE WIN. You watch YouTube, kid? Great, you’re our new Video Grandmaster, go buy yourself a hyperloop.
[Sends racist tweet. Eats jade egg]
Finally let’s get them at point of sale! It is a classic. I want Amazon sponsored posts on the very bottom of every screen, for anyone looking for “Food > Breakfast > Pre-packaged > Tinned > Carbohydrates > Vegan”. That's the PISS model from end to end. Wherever they are, whatever they've been doing, they may have seen some quantum-particle-sized fragment of our campaign. Particles for everyone. Success is guaranteed! Hell, we’ve got crazy money, slap some spend into "> gluten-free" too. What do you mean, they aren’t gluten-free? You’re fired.
Where did I park my Tesla?
To: Wait until next week
By: Starting a (very strange) conversation about user journeys
Huge list of useful links for authors (and publishers, really), via The Literary Consultancy. Book Week Scotland are screening this very cool film on Ursula K Le Guin (hosted by Ken MacLeod). Also some cool looking stuff at Film Africa at the BFI Southbank. Newham Heritage Week! HarperCollins taking open subs for diverse childrens books. Exhibition of the forgotten Muslim heroes of WWI. There's a new VIDEOGAMES MUSEUM in Sheffield.
Literary Landscapes is out, if you're burning to know what I think of such fly-by-night works as Huckleberry Finn (2 stars; needs more sexy duchesses). I've sent off some reviews (the first for aaaages), which is satisfying. One month left for Best of British Fantasy submissions. Outcast Hours on NetGalley (or pre-order it). And I'm up to Oxford Brookes next week to throw WISDOM at impressionable youth who already know more about publishing than I ever will.